A Day in the Life of Living with Abuse

What are the dynamics of an abusive relationship?

Research focusing on the dynamics of abusive relationships has resulted in several ways of understanding the interactions between the batterer and the victim.

The first conceptualization is that of the Cycle of Violence, 5 consisting of three stages:

1. The tension building stage (tension in the relationship gradually increases over time);
2. The acute battering stage (tension erupts, resulting in threats or use of violence and abuse);
3. The honeymoon stage (the batterer may be apologetic and remorseful and promise not to be abusive again).

The cycle continues throughout the relationship, with the honeymoon stage becoming shorter and the episodes of battering becoming more frequent or more severe. The honeymoon stage reinforces the victim's hope that the batterer will change and contributes to the victim staying in the relationship.

The concept of Traumatic Bonding 6 has also been developed to explain the dynamics of domestic violence relationships.

Essentially, strong emotional connections develop between the victim and the perpetrator during the abusive relationship. These emotional ties develop due to the imbalance of power between the batterer and the victim and because the treatment is intermittently good and bad.

In terms of the power imbalance, as the abuser gains more power, the abused individual feels worse about him- or herself, is less able to protect him- or herself, and is less competent. The abused person therefore becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser.

The second key factor in traumatic bonding is the intermittent and unpredictable abuse. While this may sound counterintuitive, the abuse is offset by an increase in positive behaviors such as attention, gifts, and promises. The abused individual also feels relief that the abuse has ended. Thus, there is intermittent reinforcement for the behavior, which is difficult to extinguish and serves instead to strengthen the bond between the abuser and the individual being abused.

Finally, abusive relationship dynamics can also be understood through the concepts of Approach and Avoidance. 7 The mix of pros (love and economic support) and cons (fear and humiliation) present in the battering relationship leads to ambivalence on the part of the victim. The victim is likely to want to approach the positives in the relationship but avoid the abuse. This struggle between wanting to keep the relationship and wanting to remain safe makes it difficult to decide whether to leave or stay in the relationship. On average, women leave and return to an abusive relationship five times before permanently leaving the relationship.

National toll-free Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Healings of the Heart offers many options to bring healing and balance back into your life. If you feel threatened in any way, know that you are NOT alone and there are options available to you.

With love and light

Tami

WWW.HEALINGSOFTHEHEART.COM