Understanding the Cycles of Abusive Behavior and Watching Out for the Warning Signs
Domestic violence shows no favoritism, it comes in all shapes and forms affecting all walks of life straight across the board. No social, economic, ethnic, religious, or gender class is exempt. The statistics of violence against loved ones is staggering and heartbreaking! Are you aware that approximately one-third of all emergency room visits are by people who were there becaused a loved one put them there?
There are cycles of behavior that are prevelant within abusive relationships. The majority of abuse, relating to relationships, isn't necessarily isolated to a married couple. Abuse in relationships also include any relationship where there is intimacy.
How can you tell if you are in an abusive relationship? You may think, "well, he doesn't hit me," "It was only a shove or push," or worse, you feel as though you had provoked the attack yourself! Let's explore our own denial, first.
In the beginning of any new relationship there is always a pattern of passion. There is the sense of newness and one might consider this to be the "honeymoon stage." There is passion, there is excitement and love making is generally on fire. This stage is considered the passionate love stage, where everything appears to be perfect. Yet, somewhere below the surface, our passionate partner begins to develop a sense of possessiveness. We may feel this as our partner is protecting us and loves us so much they would go to the ends of the earth for us.
Next, our partner begins to say things to us like, "I can't live without you," "You are my world," etc. We may take these statements as facts of love. Slowly, we begin to become isolated from our family and friends, the people who have always been our support centers. Jealousy from our partner shows up in ways that may appear as signs of love. Our partner showers us with love and attention and may even pick a fight or talk badly about your friends and family creating distance between you and them.
Up until this point, we may not even realize what is happening. Then as tension builds and as our partner now has become anger with us, upset with us, blaming us for everything that has gone "wrong." We begin to question and wonder what We have done to upset them. Then it happens, a violent outburst occurs! We are stunned, we are shocked, we don't know what to do because we have basically been cut off from our friends and family. We now feel stuck. But what is a violent outburst?
A violent outburst doesn't necessarily constitute a physical attack. A violent outburst can be a raising of the voice, name calling, degrading behavior and comments, spitting, slapping, punching, even the punching of a door or wall or any other physical object are all types of violent outbursts.
The final phase of the cycles of abusive behavior is the stage of remorse. The perpetrator feels remorse, shame, begs for forgiveness and promises that it will never happen again, followed by the return of the honeymoon, passionate love stage.
However, once we initially accept this type of behavior from our loved one, we unknowingly give them permission for the cycles to continue. This cycle will continue on and on, will always continue to repeat its self over and over until there is some sort of intervention!
It is important to recognize these signs of abusive behavior to provide us with options and choices. If we can recognize the patterns and never take the blame or responsibility of others behaviors, we then slowly begin to move into a state of empowerment by standing up for our selves and either demand our partner seek some sort of guidance or we will gain the inner strength to walk away. I realize that walking away may not seem like an option, for whatever reason we have justified within us to believe. Yet, I tell you today, that leaving Is and option! I spent 10 of my 14 year marriage playing the cycles of abuse game.
With love and light
Tami
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